It has almost been a year.

Sorry I haven't posted anything but legacy events in awhile.  The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, family & happy memories.  I didn't want to be a "downer" with the updates on how it was all going here on the home-front. The holidays were as good as they could be.  The twins had a fun Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years.  They handled it all really well. They accepted that "Cammy" is having the best of each holiday EVER in heaven. In heaven, there is tons of candy, turkey, big giant presents and really great new years fireworks. They were happy Cameron got to be with Jesus on "Jesus's birthday". It helped to be out of town for Halloween.  I just couldn't face the first Halloween with out him, so being out of town with the family was a good distraction. I had to avoid Thanksgiving and Christmas I put on the brave face and hung in there, for the most part.  It really helped that we got our tree from the Christmas bereavement program. Our friends and family have been so wonderful making this season easier, no pressure, understanding & super supportive.  We really have great friends & family. Dad Cressey was a trooper through it all. He organized all of the holidays & legacy events and did a great job. The Toy drive from Block 15 and the Healthy Look Salon, St. Baldricks events were really great. "The 31 days of Cameron" good deeds & random acts of kindness that our friend Katie Carleski is doing is really great. Burnedette, dedicating all of her training miles, the list goes on & on. It is really great to see so many people come together to help create his legacy. To make the world better. That's all a mom wants her kids to do, or it's a good start anyway. I can't begin to express how thankful I am.   I still struggle with being out at events & social stuff, but my friends "get it" and are wonderful.   Everyone has been really great at my new job and super supportive.  Learning all of the new procedures has been helpful in keeping me from dwelling on things 24hrs a day.  I still see him everywhere, meaning who he would have been. I miss him so much is an understatement. They say the pain of  losing him never goes away, you just learn to live with it. There are just no words to describe it. It is always there, just under the surface, but we try to be positive. Every day I wake up & its one more day with out him, every night when I go to bed its one day closer to seeing him again. We try to make life as normal as possible for the twins. Our 7 year wedding anniversary was on Dec 17th, the day the doctors told us he had 24 hrs to live if we stayed the course. That was when we had to make the decision to try everything in our power to save him. Cameron went on the ECMO lung bypass machine & I became the "Prayer beggar". The prayers worked, they helped, he bounced back several times because of them, is our point of view. That was a hard day to say the least both this year and last year.  We got to have him one more month from that point. We got a month of love, some smiles, to tell him how strong he is & how much we love him. Thanks to the wonderful nurses, doctors & staff, they were so supportive & continue to be, and we are so thankful.  I just can't believe Jan 17th will be a year since the worst day ever & that we have all been doing this & going through this together. It feels like a million years and a blink all at the same time. How do we ever say thank you, to you for all of your love, prayers, support & positive ju-ju.  It is amazing to think of all of the people that have banded together in his honor to love him & honor him and his sweet little life.  How do I ever say thank you enough for helping him to make a beautiful mark on this world.  I think he would be really proud that 8,000+ people came together to be a family here...of support & love for him. He would REALLY like it that other kids & families are being helped.   Thank you soooooo much for everything, all of your love prayers & support! Big giant hugs to you!

Cameron's Legacy Toy Drive!!! Thank you "block 15" restaurant!

The first family pictures without him. Heartbreaking but must be done. We were lucky to have so much wonderful help!!

We did it...the First Christmas pictures without him, his first Christmas in heaven. Thank you so much Kimberly Webster & Family, Nicole King & family for helping make this tough time easier. The King Family and our family are on the same path. It was sure nice to be surrounded with love during this tough, awkward time. Love you guys!!! ♥

We did it...the First Christmas pictures without him, his first Christmas in heaven. Thank you so much Kimberly Webster & Family, Nicole King & family for helping make this tough time easier. The King Family and our family are on the same path. It was sure nice to be surrounded with love during this tough, awkward time. Love you guys!!!

Exactly a year ago today.

Here is Cameron exactly a year ago today. My great friend "Auntie Mo-Minda" (Melinda)came for a visit and gave him a Mickey Mouse. He loved it. That smile says it all. The 2 month count down started yesterday...ugh. I was able to have lunch today with Rachel, little Collin's mom. Collin is one of Cameron's little friends from Doernbechers that is up in heaven with him too. It was nice to catch up and get some tips on how she & her family are handling this too. Dad, Cressey is working on some toy projects for the Pediatric ICU & other sick kiddos for Christmas, more to come on that Very exciting! I just checked with the PICU the other day and they are in need of "new" comfy sweatpants/t-shirt/ sweatshirts for the families fresh from the ambulance. Sometimes, when they get off of the ambulance they are covered in "something" and have nothing clean to change into until family can get there, to bring them their own clothes. That is a big way to help families during their toughest times. They need size 6 to adult. Just an idea if someone is looking for a way to help out this Christmas holiday season. Donating online to "Sparrow Clubs USA"(sparrowclubs.org) for kids in medical crisis listing under "Cameron Merrill's Legacy program" to help out with his Fight Big Bags is an option too. Also, "Candlelighters for kids with Cancer" (4kidswithcancer.org) also has a "Cameron Merrill Legacy Program" to do a version of the Fight Big Bags too. Both of these great charities have a tax-id number so the donations are tax deductible!! Thank you so much for all of your love, prayers & support. It is a tough road but I/we seriously couldn't have gotten this far without all of your love & positive juju. Thank you just doesn't seem to cover it. Big hugs to you!

Missing him

Little Cameron before he had Leukemia 

I am missing him so much...I found this CD of pictures when I was doing some cleaning and had to show you how seriously cute he is. I miss him so much, it just doesn't seem real he is gone sometimes. I miss that smile and those hugs more than words can say. At least when I look at these pictures that it reminds me that he knew he was so loved & we did the best we could to make sure he had a good childhood. He has the exact personality you see in these pictures. Pure love.

Oops! I forgot to post this in September!

The 2nd trip of "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" to PICU (18 photos)

The September trip to Doernbecher's Children's Hospital PICU(Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) 2013

October

It's been hard to get back on here lately to give you an update. Things are pretty crazy around here now. The twins are in Kindergarten now and all of the juggling that goes with that. I would say that's the reason but really, the roller coaster is picking up speed again. The month of October was when all of the hard stuff started & the beginning of the end. It is a whole new kind of hard. There is so much weird stuff/feelings that goes along with all of this, it's amazing. I could go on & on. The good news is, the weird is normal, if that makes any sense. Right up until October, the easier days were getting to be more in a row than the hard ones. Last year, we spent the total holiday season there at Doernbecher's. This year, the truth is, I want to hide from it all, but the twins & Dad need me there and engaged. I may still do some hiding. My guess is February things will start to feel more settled. I finally found a mental "tool" that helped. The twins actually told it to me after one of the grief camps we went to this summer, the Benton Hospice(He wasn't on hospice, but they have a day to help kids with grief). They said, "We are all connected by a thin invisible silvery, sparkly thread. Everyone we love, everyone we care about, we are all connected together by a special thread. So, even in heaven Cammy is still connected to us by that thread." Out of the mouths of the kids, that helped my huge overwhelming panicky feeling of instinct of "Where is my baby, is he ok, where is he?" Feeling that connection to him, the special thread, that he is not just roaming somewhere in heaven. See, this the weird stuff I was talking about. Everyone with degrees & experience agrees I am normal, it just feels so weird to think this way. Another "tool" I learned was that there is so much deep, deep pain...it's kind of like if you stare directly at the sun too long, you would probably go blind. If you can make yourself (mentally) take peeks at the pain or "sips" it can be a little more bearable. If I think about how much of him and his lifetime I have lost out on, he's lost out on, I could go bonkers. So, "sipping" the pain & redirecting seems to help. It sounds so weird but it works. I am taking a break on doing a ton of his "Fight Big Bag Legacy" stuff right now, just until we get past January 17th. Then I will be back at it in full force. Some days are just so...ugh. The twins are doing really well, Cressey only had one hard "Cammy" day at school. Keylin is quiet sometimes and just watches the cute little boys and always points out the ones that looked like Cameron. Cressey has pretty much stopped asking if we could go to the baby store to get another baby boy & name it Cameron. Talk of Cameron around our house is never far from the surface. Whenever we do something as a "family" they always talk about how he is doing it(whatever the activity is) with us too, up in heaven bigger & better than we are here on Earth. Dad is doing good, nothing about this is easy, just keeping busy. I think we are all making some progress, it's just slow. Our friends & family did soooooo great in September with all of his Legacy events! Dad is getting a shaving team together for December, St. Baldricks...they fund research to cure childhood cancer. So many great things done in his honor, to make the world a little better, or "Big Better" as Cameron would say. We really helped a lot of people in the PICU(Pediatric Intensive Care Unit)during their toughest times, thanks to you. The "Fight Big Bags" are awesome. 128 pints of blood back into the system from the blood drives!! Each donation save 3 lives! Thank you for helping him to leave a mark on this world!!!! Wow, I wrote another book on here again, oops information overload Thank you for your love, prayers & support! Big giant hugs to you!!

9 months today

It just hit me...9 months today. I miss him so much, sometimes it feels like it was all just a bad dream & I will wake up and he will be here. Wishful thinking I guess. I just miss him sooooo much. Life with out him just is too quiet. This picture was taken last year when we went to tour the fired department here in Corvallis. He loved the fire trucks. The were not just oh-boy, but "Big-oh boy" Cammmy said. He would have just started pre-school. He would be a big kid now. We talk about him all the time. The twins talk about him nearly every day about what he would be doing if he was still on earth & what he must probably being doing in heaven, at that moment. The twins tell people "I have a baby brother, he is 3, he lives in heaven" just so matter of factly. They help us remember the cute little things he would say or do. It is all getting to be a way of life now. I still have a hard time seeing little boys that resemble what he looks like or who he might have grown into. I think that will stick with me. I just miss him. Please don't ever be afraid or feel awkward talking about him to us, we think about him all of the time. Thank you to everyone who have helped his legacy keep going. Thank you for your love prayers & support

He would be 3 yesterday

Ok, so I want to build on my friends idea about Cameron and involve you...people always ask what they can do to help and I never know what to tell them...ok, so I want to build on who Cameron is, who he was and who he didn't get the chance to be.  He would always say to the twins when they were crying "Are you happy now? Are you big better or little better? Are you happy now?" so in honor of his birthday of his life, who he was and who he would be, I want to ask you to do one good thing for someone else that you wouldn't normally do.  When you do, think of Cameron & do it for all the good things he never got a chance to do. My goal is for him to have a lifetime of good things to add to the world, a full lifetime. This is what you can do to help  <3 You can do it (little things or big things) and comment here to give others ideas or you can keep it to yourself. I just want him to have a lifetime in some way.  This may sound like a super weird request....but it makes perfect sense to me.  <3 Thank you to everyone who has already done this.  <3 Big hugs to all of you <3

The very first delivery of "Cameron's Fight Big Bags"

"Cameron's Fight Big Bags" made their first delivery to the pediatric intensive care unit(PICU)!!! Big Thank You to Sue George, Marium, Jacque Tomkinson and her "Thirty One Bags" family!! They all sent huge boxes of supplies! Jacque sent some really great "Thirty One bags"!! Thank you to everyone else who has given supplies too! The PICU staff doctors, nurses and helpers, they are all so sweet!!!! It was so nice to see all of the familiar faces who made a tough time easier. Lots of love & hugs! PICU nurse Michelle is amazing! The supply closet looked pretty bare and now it looks much better, ready to help some families. There is still more room, but hey, it's a great start!! We even found a good use for the left over gift bags from the twins birthday party. They can hold the "Comfort kits" until we get more Fight Big Bags. If you would like to collect and send gear for the PICU, the address to send it to is in the "About" section on this page. Please just items, no cash or checks since we are not an official charity and would have to claim it on our taxes as income. Sending items is the best route to help the families at the PICU. If you would like to donate cash or checks and would like a tax deduction, you can donate financially to Candlelighters for Children with cancer, since they are an official charity. A Candlelighters donation helps the pediatric cancer version of the "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" just name "Cameron Merrill" in the notes section. They are still moving forward on the pediatric cancer version of "Cameron's Fight Big Bags". They have been really great! The Qudoba fundraiser raised $1300 for the "Cameron's Fight Big Bag", bereavement & legacy programs. This is so great to see it all coming together! You have to start somewhere!!! You all...here on this page...have started something really good!! Thank you "Cameron Merrill's Big Fight Family" here!! Thank you for all of your love, prayers and support!!! Big hugs & loves to you!

Ok! Good news!!! We we have a box at the UPS store so packages don't get left outside the house in the rain or hot sun!!! They will also email me when the packages come in. We are already collecting some supplies for the "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" Thank you soooo much!!! This is really starting to come together!!! So, I found a bag that I like at the local t-shirt store, they offered to do the printing for free and the bags at a discounted price!!! .... So....for those who want to help (1) You can go on the "Candlelighters for kids with Cancer" and hit the donate button and put "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" in the notes section. This will help the families with kids with cancer, new diagnosis or bereavement program. This donation will put a bag only & gift cards for food gas, ect to families with a pediatric cancer diagnosis. This will really help them. We are doing this limited version due to storage issues on the cancer kids floor. (2) Another way to help is....you can send items that we need to fill bags for the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) families, if the are in the PICU there is no way they are going home soon and are most likely fresh from the ambulance with nothing but the shirts on their backs. These items needed for "Cameron's Comfort Kits" are: Those hotel shampoos ect that collect in your drawer, toothbrushes, tooth paste, deodorant men's & women's, hair spray/gel, flip flops, socks, slippers, undies (various sizes), sweat pant & t-shirts, hair brush, waterproof mascara, shavers, shaving cream, kids toothbrushes, kids toothpaste, kids jammies(2 piece), fuzzy blanket, cozy pillowcase, hair ties, tampons ect. those rooms can get cold so a fuzzy zip up jacket, snack, fuzzy toy, any kind of tote bag to put these goodies in. Basically anything you would need if you had nothing, and were covered in something that would make you want to change your clothes.(all new please) (3) Another way to help is....you can send us a check made out to "Shirt Circuit" to help with the cost of the actual fight big bags.(4) Another way to help is....making a check made out to "OHSU Cafeteria" to put meal gift card in "Cameron's Fight Big Bag" The address you can send any of this gear for "Cameron's Comfort Kits" is:
"Cameron Merrill"
PMB 185
922 NW Circle BLVD Suite 160
Corvallis, OR 97330-1483

Please do not send any cash or checks made out to us personally, since we would have to claim it on our personal taxes as income.
The PICU items are not tax deductible, but the "Candlelighter's for kids with Cancer" donation IS tax deductible. Cameron's Fight Big Bags is not a "charity" we are just helping the PICU in his honor with your help. Making a legacy for him. I will put a link to "Candlelighter's for kids with Cancer" is an actual chairity, for those who would like to donate there. Thank you sooooooooo much for all of your love prayers and support for cheering this on and making this idea a reality. If it weren't for all of your love, prayers & positive thoughts I seriously couldn't have had the strength to do this. You can give yourself a big hug from me and know that you & Cameron are making a big difference for people during the worst times of their lives. Thank you for making our little boy's strength, sweet nature and courage leave a big mark on this world. Big giant hugs to you, thank you for being part of the "Cameron Merrill's Big Fight family" you have been there in the trenches with me, and now we are going to make a difference in Cammy's honor I can't thank you enough Big hugs to you <3

6 months

It has been 6 months today since we lost our sweet boy. It always get hard for me just before the 17th of each month but this one is different. It is a different kind of hard. With all of the therapy and medicines helping I am getting into the acceptance part of this and the reliving & obsessing over every detail over & over again isn't as dominating for my day. It is now just a deep, deep sadness. The kind you just can't put into words but can just physically feel. It is so strange to have all of these feelings. No one can prepare you for something like this, no matter what the circumstance. There is no way to predict how it will all feel. I just have to "go with it" and observe & try to learn from each low time to be ready to tackle the next one. I love to hear stories of him, or ways he has helped someone, or even that someone has dreamed or thinking of him. Its a gift. There is a FB page that really puts all of this into words that a FB friend shared with me "Silent Grief-Child loss support" it really helps put the feelings into words. This may be helpful if you know anyone else who has lost a child of any age. It makes sense of the things that don't make sense. I went out to the kids swing in our back yard the other day and (the kids had asked us to hang Cameron's swing back up) and in his swing were a big pile of dried flowers. I asked Keylin if she put them there, "Yes mommy, they are for Cammy, he would like them" this is how a 4 year old grieves. She & Cressey are still doing little things to honor him. They are doing so well with all of this. We got them 2 dogs to help bring a little sunshine. It seems to be working. They say kids are resilient but it breaks my heart to see them go through this too. They are doing pretty well, the crying for him outbursts are getting less & less. Dad is hanging in there, he is so strong. He is the rock. It makes me feel the closest to normal when I work on his "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" the wheels of progress turn slowly but this fundraiser will help BIG. The process of getting the P.O Box is taking longer than I thought but, we will get there. Slow & steady wins the race. Sorry if I am bombarding you with all of the fundraiser ads. I don't want to be annoying, seriously. Thank you for all of your love, prayers & support to get us through this brutal last 6 months. It can only get easier right??? Thank you, big hugs

Qdoba fundraiser for "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" from Candlelighters starts today!! Please have lunch or dinner and turn in your recipt at the counter & say "Candlighters"!!!

Qdoba Mexican Grill Fundraiser Today through Friday!
July 17th, 18th & 19th--- ALL Oregon and SW Washington Qdoba Mexican Grill locations are putting on a fundraiser for Candlelighters!! They will be donating 20% of their restaurant and catering proceeds to Candlelighters on those three days- but we need your help! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS SAY YOU ARE THERE FOR CANDLELIGHTERS AND HAND IN YOUR RECEIPT!!! Will you help us meet our goal of raising $7,000 to start our Candlelighters Legacy Program and support our family activities?? Find the location nearest you and make plans for lunch, dinner or BOTH! They are even offering this for catering orders- and waiving the set up charge! So, if you are ordering in for an office on one of these days, please use Qdoba! SHOW YOUR SUPPORT ON FACEBOOK AND SHARE OUR EVENT- CLICK HERE!    FIND A QDOBA LOCATION NEAR YOU!  CLICK HERE! Thank you for your support www.4kidswithcancer.org

Thank you Jesse Reese foundation!

The Jesse Reese foundation made this in honor of our little Cameron!!! Thank you!!!

Great news!

This is Cameron last June, he was playing dress up, being a scary Dragon!!! GREAT news today!!!! I had the meeting with the organization Candlelighters. Things are going in the right direction!!! They are starting a bereavement legacy program for families to honor children who have....anyway, the "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" & "Cameron's Comfort Kits" are a BIG hit! They will help families fresh from the ambulance or new diagnosis in the PICU or Cancer kids, for families and kids, with just the shirt on their backs! Tragedy won't wait for you to pack a bag or grab a purse. Tragedy doesn't care if you have a million dollars or one. In that terrible situation, a parent doesn't want to leave the child to run to the store to get the "basics" toothbrush, deodorant, undies, ect. They also liked the "Happy Now" idea bags for kids in isolation or repeated admitting with chemo ect. This will go on helping kids and families for a long time. When we get old, Keylin and Cressey or the rest of the family can keep this going too. Cameron will make kids and families happy, if just for a moment, during the toughest time ever. Now, we just do the paperwork and work out a few more details, then we can ask for people to donate shampoo, toothbrushes & basics to fill the bags!!!!! Thank you soooooo much for your love, prayers and support!!

Your love, prayers and support have given me the strength & motivation to do this, I just can't thank you enough!!! Your love & support is helping people in a big way, so thank you for just being you Big hugs to you! I am being sappy, I am just so grateful!

Getting excited for Monday!

I am super excited for Monday to have an official meeting with Candlelighters to talk about details and get "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" off and running! I can't wait to start putting the "Cameron's Comfort Kits" together!!! There is such a need for these and I am happy that Cameron can help kids and families, and make them "Happy Now" if just for a moment, during a really tough time

I hate saying goodbye!

Making a little progress

Sorry I have been off of the radar here for a little while. Mother's day and the days leading up to it, was rough is an understatement. The twins & hubby made it as nice as possible for this crazy time. I wanted to thank everyone for the ideas for the names of the emergency parent/kiddo fresh from the ambulance or diagnosis bags to honor Cameron's big fight & short little life!! So, we used all of ides in the different versions!!!! The big giant tote bag itself will be called the "Cameron's Fight Big Bag" the contents of the bag are "Cameron's Comfort kits" for all of the people fresh from the ambulance or diagnosis. Then, we want to have "Cameron's Happy Now Bags" (since he always asked "Are you happy now? Are you better? Are you big better or little better?" when his brother & sister were crying or fighting) these can be a toy for the kids, maybe something like an itunes gift card for the teens or a Starbucks gift card for mom or dad. You get the idea. The "Cameron's Happy Now Bags" can be for kids readmitted repeatedly or kids placed in isolation ect. I am super excited this is starting to take shape. There are so many kids and families up there that need this cancer or not. The time we spent in the PICU really showed me what a need there is for just this sort of thing. There just isn't a lot of help out there like this for kids and families in severe medical crisis, cancer, trauma or severe emergency illness. There is just something about this that really speaks to me, just feels right. I just want his little life to make a BIG mark on this world & help sick kiddos. If you have any other ideas let me know. We are still in process of working out the fundraising tax ID plan. The logistics can be tricky to navigate. I will let you know when we are officially up & running!! The first step is forming a plan and setting goals, then the working out of the logistics!!! Thank you for your prayers, love & support!!

Prayers needed for Collin!

Update & prayers needed for little Collin Cameron's buddy~~ This is from Collin's mom Rachel Wilson~~Well, thanks so much! 1st) that this treatment will slow down his leukemia enough so we can go to the trial in Maryland at NIH. 2nd) that the trial at NIH would be successful for him. The treatment at NIH (national institute of Health) is a slower moving treatment. His leukemia has become aggressive and needs to become more under control before we can qualify for the trial. Thank you!

GREAT news!!!

Ohhh!!! Very exciting news!!! The organization "Candle Lighters for Children with Cancer" has contacted me & expressed interest in supporting the idea for parent/kiddo emergency, fresh from the ambulance or diagnosis, tote bag!!! More info to come.....Yayyyyyy! BIG PROGRESS ♥ ♥ ♥