9 months today

It just hit me...9 months today. I miss him so much, sometimes it feels like it was all just a bad dream & I will wake up and he will be here. Wishful thinking I guess. I just miss him sooooo much. Life with out him just is too quiet. This picture was taken last year when we went to tour the fired department here in Corvallis. He loved the fire trucks. The were not just oh-boy, but "Big-oh boy" Cammmy said. He would have just started pre-school. He would be a big kid now. We talk about him all the time. The twins talk about him nearly every day about what he would be doing if he was still on earth & what he must probably being doing in heaven, at that moment. The twins tell people "I have a baby brother, he is 3, he lives in heaven" just so matter of factly. They help us remember the cute little things he would say or do. It is all getting to be a way of life now. I still have a hard time seeing little boys that resemble what he looks like or who he might have grown into. I think that will stick with me. I just miss him. Please don't ever be afraid or feel awkward talking about him to us, we think about him all of the time. Thank you to everyone who have helped his legacy keep going. Thank you for your love prayers & support

He would be 3 yesterday

Ok, so I want to build on my friends idea about Cameron and involve you...people always ask what they can do to help and I never know what to tell them...ok, so I want to build on who Cameron is, who he was and who he didn't get the chance to be.  He would always say to the twins when they were crying "Are you happy now? Are you big better or little better? Are you happy now?" so in honor of his birthday of his life, who he was and who he would be, I want to ask you to do one good thing for someone else that you wouldn't normally do.  When you do, think of Cameron & do it for all the good things he never got a chance to do. My goal is for him to have a lifetime of good things to add to the world, a full lifetime. This is what you can do to help  <3 You can do it (little things or big things) and comment here to give others ideas or you can keep it to yourself. I just want him to have a lifetime in some way.  This may sound like a super weird request....but it makes perfect sense to me.  <3 Thank you to everyone who has already done this.  <3 Big hugs to all of you <3

The very first delivery of "Cameron's Fight Big Bags"

"Cameron's Fight Big Bags" made their first delivery to the pediatric intensive care unit(PICU)!!! Big Thank You to Sue George, Marium, Jacque Tomkinson and her "Thirty One Bags" family!! They all sent huge boxes of supplies! Jacque sent some really great "Thirty One bags"!! Thank you to everyone else who has given supplies too! The PICU staff doctors, nurses and helpers, they are all so sweet!!!! It was so nice to see all of the familiar faces who made a tough time easier. Lots of love & hugs! PICU nurse Michelle is amazing! The supply closet looked pretty bare and now it looks much better, ready to help some families. There is still more room, but hey, it's a great start!! We even found a good use for the left over gift bags from the twins birthday party. They can hold the "Comfort kits" until we get more Fight Big Bags. If you would like to collect and send gear for the PICU, the address to send it to is in the "About" section on this page. Please just items, no cash or checks since we are not an official charity and would have to claim it on our taxes as income. Sending items is the best route to help the families at the PICU. If you would like to donate cash or checks and would like a tax deduction, you can donate financially to Candlelighters for Children with cancer, since they are an official charity. A Candlelighters donation helps the pediatric cancer version of the "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" just name "Cameron Merrill" in the notes section. They are still moving forward on the pediatric cancer version of "Cameron's Fight Big Bags". They have been really great! The Qudoba fundraiser raised $1300 for the "Cameron's Fight Big Bag", bereavement & legacy programs. This is so great to see it all coming together! You have to start somewhere!!! You all...here on this page...have started something really good!! Thank you "Cameron Merrill's Big Fight Family" here!! Thank you for all of your love, prayers and support!!! Big hugs & loves to you!

Ok! Good news!!! We we have a box at the UPS store so packages don't get left outside the house in the rain or hot sun!!! They will also email me when the packages come in. We are already collecting some supplies for the "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" Thank you soooo much!!! This is really starting to come together!!! So, I found a bag that I like at the local t-shirt store, they offered to do the printing for free and the bags at a discounted price!!! .... So....for those who want to help (1) You can go on the "Candlelighters for kids with Cancer" and hit the donate button and put "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" in the notes section. This will help the families with kids with cancer, new diagnosis or bereavement program. This donation will put a bag only & gift cards for food gas, ect to families with a pediatric cancer diagnosis. This will really help them. We are doing this limited version due to storage issues on the cancer kids floor. (2) Another way to help is....you can send items that we need to fill bags for the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) families, if the are in the PICU there is no way they are going home soon and are most likely fresh from the ambulance with nothing but the shirts on their backs. These items needed for "Cameron's Comfort Kits" are: Those hotel shampoos ect that collect in your drawer, toothbrushes, tooth paste, deodorant men's & women's, hair spray/gel, flip flops, socks, slippers, undies (various sizes), sweat pant & t-shirts, hair brush, waterproof mascara, shavers, shaving cream, kids toothbrushes, kids toothpaste, kids jammies(2 piece), fuzzy blanket, cozy pillowcase, hair ties, tampons ect. those rooms can get cold so a fuzzy zip up jacket, snack, fuzzy toy, any kind of tote bag to put these goodies in. Basically anything you would need if you had nothing, and were covered in something that would make you want to change your clothes.(all new please) (3) Another way to help is....you can send us a check made out to "Shirt Circuit" to help with the cost of the actual fight big bags.(4) Another way to help is....making a check made out to "OHSU Cafeteria" to put meal gift card in "Cameron's Fight Big Bag" The address you can send any of this gear for "Cameron's Comfort Kits" is:
"Cameron Merrill"
PMB 185
922 NW Circle BLVD Suite 160
Corvallis, OR 97330-1483

Please do not send any cash or checks made out to us personally, since we would have to claim it on our personal taxes as income.
The PICU items are not tax deductible, but the "Candlelighter's for kids with Cancer" donation IS tax deductible. Cameron's Fight Big Bags is not a "charity" we are just helping the PICU in his honor with your help. Making a legacy for him. I will put a link to "Candlelighter's for kids with Cancer" is an actual chairity, for those who would like to donate there. Thank you sooooooooo much for all of your love prayers and support for cheering this on and making this idea a reality. If it weren't for all of your love, prayers & positive thoughts I seriously couldn't have had the strength to do this. You can give yourself a big hug from me and know that you & Cameron are making a big difference for people during the worst times of their lives. Thank you for making our little boy's strength, sweet nature and courage leave a big mark on this world. Big giant hugs to you, thank you for being part of the "Cameron Merrill's Big Fight family" you have been there in the trenches with me, and now we are going to make a difference in Cammy's honor I can't thank you enough Big hugs to you <3

6 months

It has been 6 months today since we lost our sweet boy. It always get hard for me just before the 17th of each month but this one is different. It is a different kind of hard. With all of the therapy and medicines helping I am getting into the acceptance part of this and the reliving & obsessing over every detail over & over again isn't as dominating for my day. It is now just a deep, deep sadness. The kind you just can't put into words but can just physically feel. It is so strange to have all of these feelings. No one can prepare you for something like this, no matter what the circumstance. There is no way to predict how it will all feel. I just have to "go with it" and observe & try to learn from each low time to be ready to tackle the next one. I love to hear stories of him, or ways he has helped someone, or even that someone has dreamed or thinking of him. Its a gift. There is a FB page that really puts all of this into words that a FB friend shared with me "Silent Grief-Child loss support" it really helps put the feelings into words. This may be helpful if you know anyone else who has lost a child of any age. It makes sense of the things that don't make sense. I went out to the kids swing in our back yard the other day and (the kids had asked us to hang Cameron's swing back up) and in his swing were a big pile of dried flowers. I asked Keylin if she put them there, "Yes mommy, they are for Cammy, he would like them" this is how a 4 year old grieves. She & Cressey are still doing little things to honor him. They are doing so well with all of this. We got them 2 dogs to help bring a little sunshine. It seems to be working. They say kids are resilient but it breaks my heart to see them go through this too. They are doing pretty well, the crying for him outbursts are getting less & less. Dad is hanging in there, he is so strong. He is the rock. It makes me feel the closest to normal when I work on his "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" the wheels of progress turn slowly but this fundraiser will help BIG. The process of getting the P.O Box is taking longer than I thought but, we will get there. Slow & steady wins the race. Sorry if I am bombarding you with all of the fundraiser ads. I don't want to be annoying, seriously. Thank you for all of your love, prayers & support to get us through this brutal last 6 months. It can only get easier right??? Thank you, big hugs

Qdoba fundraiser for "Cameron's Fight Big Bags" from Candlelighters starts today!! Please have lunch or dinner and turn in your recipt at the counter & say "Candlighters"!!!

Qdoba Mexican Grill Fundraiser Today through Friday!
July 17th, 18th & 19th--- ALL Oregon and SW Washington Qdoba Mexican Grill locations are putting on a fundraiser for Candlelighters!! They will be donating 20% of their restaurant and catering proceeds to Candlelighters on those three days- but we need your help! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS SAY YOU ARE THERE FOR CANDLELIGHTERS AND HAND IN YOUR RECEIPT!!! Will you help us meet our goal of raising $7,000 to start our Candlelighters Legacy Program and support our family activities?? Find the location nearest you and make plans for lunch, dinner or BOTH! They are even offering this for catering orders- and waiving the set up charge! So, if you are ordering in for an office on one of these days, please use Qdoba! SHOW YOUR SUPPORT ON FACEBOOK AND SHARE OUR EVENT- CLICK HERE!    FIND A QDOBA LOCATION NEAR YOU!  CLICK HERE! Thank you for your support www.4kidswithcancer.org

Thank you Jesse Reese foundation!

The Jesse Reese foundation made this in honor of our little Cameron!!! Thank you!!!