Tuesday, October 22, 2013


It's been hard to get back on here lately to give you an update. Things are pretty crazy around here now. The twins are in Kindergarten now and all of the juggling that goes with that. I would say that's the reason but really, the roller coaster is picking up speed again. The month of October was when all of the hard stuff started & the beginning of the end. It is a whole new kind of hard. There is so much weird stuff/feelings that goes along with all of this, it's amazing. I could go on & on. The good news is, the weird is normal, if that makes any sense. Right up until October, the easier days were getting to be more in a row than the hard ones. Last year, we spent the total holiday season there at Doernbecher's. This year, the truth is, I want to hide from it all, but the twins & Dad need me there and engaged. I may still do some hiding. My guess is February things will start to feel more settled. I finally found a mental "tool" that helped. The twins actually told it to me after one of the grief camps we went to this summer, the Benton Hospice(He wasn't on hospice, but they have a day to help kids with grief). They said, "We are all connected by a thin invisible silvery, sparkly thread. Everyone we love, everyone we care about, we are all connected together by a special thread. So, even in heaven Cammy is still connected to us by that thread." Out of the mouths of the kids, that helped my huge overwhelming panicky feeling of instinct of "Where is my baby, is he ok, where is he?" Feeling that connection to him, the special thread, that he is not just roaming somewhere in heaven. See, this the weird stuff I was talking about. Everyone with degrees & experience agrees I am normal, it just feels so weird to think this way. Another "tool" I learned was that there is so much deep, deep pain...it's kind of like if you stare directly at the sun too long, you would probably go blind. If you can make yourself (mentally) take peeks at the pain or "sips" it can be a little more bearable. If I think about how much of him and his lifetime I have lost out on, he's lost out on, I could go bonkers. So, "sipping" the pain & redirecting seems to help. It sounds so weird but it works. I am taking a break on doing a ton of his "Fight Big Bag Legacy" stuff right now, just until we get past January 17th. Then I will be back at it in full force. Some days are just so...ugh. The twins are doing really well, Cressey only had one hard "Cammy" day at school. Keylin is quiet sometimes and just watches the cute little boys and always points out the ones that looked like Cameron. Cressey has pretty much stopped asking if we could go to the baby store to get another baby boy & name it Cameron. Talk of Cameron around our house is never far from the surface. Whenever we do something as a "family" they always talk about how he is doing it(whatever the activity is) with us too, up in heaven bigger & better than we are here on Earth. Dad is doing good, nothing about this is easy, just keeping busy. I think we are all making some progress, it's just slow. Our friends & family did soooooo great in September with all of his Legacy events! Dad is getting a shaving team together for December, St. Baldricks...they fund research to cure childhood cancer. So many great things done in his honor, to make the world a little better, or "Big Better" as Cameron would say. We really helped a lot of people in the PICU(Pediatric Intensive Care Unit)during their toughest times, thanks to you. The "Fight Big Bags" are awesome. 128 pints of blood back into the system from the blood drives!! Each donation save 3 lives! Thank you for helping him to leave a mark on this world!!!! Wow, I wrote another book on here again, oops information overload Thank you for your love, prayers & support! Big giant hugs to you!!

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