It's
been hard to get back on here lately to give you an update. Things are
pretty crazy around here now. The twins are in Kindergarten now and all
of the juggling that goes with that. I would say that's the reason but
really, the roller coaster is picking up
speed again. The month of October was when all of the hard stuff
started & the beginning of the end. It is a whole new kind of hard.
There is so much weird stuff/feelings that goes along with all of this,
it's amazing. I could go on & on. The good news is, the weird is
normal, if that makes any sense. Right up until October, the easier
days were getting to be more in a row than the hard ones. Last year, we
spent the total holiday season there at Doernbecher's. This year, the
truth is, I want to hide from it all, but the twins & Dad need me
there and engaged. I may still do some hiding. My guess is February
things will start to feel more settled. I finally found a mental "tool"
that helped. The twins actually told it to me after one of the grief
camps we went to this summer, the Benton Hospice(He wasn't on hospice,
but they have a day to help kids with grief). They said, "We are all
connected by a thin invisible silvery, sparkly thread. Everyone we love,
everyone we care about, we are all connected together by a special
thread. So, even in heaven Cammy is still connected to us by that
thread." Out of the mouths of the kids, that helped my huge
overwhelming panicky feeling of instinct of "Where is my baby, is he ok,
where is he?" Feeling that connection to him, the special thread, that
he is not just roaming somewhere in heaven. See, this the weird stuff I
was talking about. Everyone with degrees & experience agrees I am
normal, it just feels so weird to think this way. Another "tool" I
learned was that there is so much deep, deep pain...it's kind of like if
you stare directly at the sun too long, you would probably go blind. If
you can make yourself (mentally) take peeks at the pain or "sips" it
can be a little more bearable. If I think about how much of him and his
lifetime I have lost out on, he's lost out on, I could go bonkers. So,
"sipping" the pain & redirecting seems to help. It sounds so weird
but it works. I am taking a break on doing a ton of his "Fight Big Bag
Legacy" stuff right now, just until we get past January 17th. Then I
will be back at it in full force. Some days are just so...ugh. The twins
are doing really well, Cressey only had one hard "Cammy" day at school.
Keylin is quiet sometimes and just watches the cute little boys and
always points out the ones that looked like Cameron. Cressey has pretty
much stopped asking if we could go to the baby store to get another
baby boy & name it Cameron. Talk of Cameron around our house is
never far from the surface. Whenever we do something as a "family" they
always talk about how he is doing it(whatever the activity is) with us
too, up in heaven bigger & better than we are here on Earth. Dad is
doing good, nothing about this is easy, just keeping busy. I think we
are all making some progress, it's just slow. Our friends & family
did soooooo great in September with all of his Legacy events! Dad is
getting a shaving team together for December, St. Baldricks...they fund
research to cure childhood cancer. So many great things done in his
honor, to make the world a little better, or "Big Better" as Cameron
would say. We really helped a lot of people in the PICU(Pediatric
Intensive Care Unit)during their toughest times, thanks to you.
The "Fight Big Bags" are awesome. 128 pints of blood back into the
system from the blood drives!! Each donation save 3 lives! Thank you for
helping him to leave a mark on this world!!!! Wow, I wrote another
book on here again, oops information overload Thank you for your love, prayers & support! Big giant hugs to you!!
